Hello readers, Alice here.
Things have been strange for me recently. The book I’m writing has reached over 50,000 words, and has taken a turn that I didn’t think it would when I began. Without giving too much away, it has become about something that is quite difficult to write about, and something of a sensitive subject.
The past… I don’t know how long, I’ve been thinking differently to how I used to do. It is almost like something has released in my head, and I have finally realised that I am here, and I exist, and I am the one who chooses what I do. Ugh, *flops on floor*.
I’ve always been the quiet one, unless I’m with my friends, but since this realisation, I have been trying to put myself out there more (not always, but more than I used to), working with different people and talking about new things. I’ve discovered that most people, just like me, simply want to get through the day and look towards the future. Talking to people you wouldn’t usually talk to might seem scary, but when you take the first plunge, it gets much, much easier. It’s surprising how many people are surprised when I talk to them (in a good way), and has made me think that I should have done this much earlier.
There has been ongoing drama with one of my (ex) closer friends, but that seemed to have fizzled out until things were good between us. We are no longer super close, but I would still consider her a friend, however she seems to be trying to rekindle the tension, which is annoying, but we’re heading in the right direction (I hope). To be completely honest, I am happier with us the way we are, civil, but not best friends. Is that
I’ve been talking to my crush more, still not that much, but it’s getting there and we’ve had a couple of nice conversations.
April and I are planning a project for the summer, and have lots of new collaborative writing things planned that we’re looking forward to starting.
Things are going well for the most part, so why do I feel so strange?
My book’s change in storyline is somewhat dark, and I can’t help but think it is mirroring what’s going on in my head. I can’t really explain much more about that, because I might post on here once it is finished and edited (if I’m happy with it) and SpOILerS.
I’ve found that if I have writer’s block, writing poems increases my creativity and gets the words flowing, but everything I write is pretty miserable, and I cannot write anything positive (though to be fair, I haven’t tried that hard).
Anyway, the point is, I have realised that I am me. I don’t know who I am yet, but hopefully I will someday. At the end of the day, this is my life, and I should do what makes me happy, even if I’m not sure what that is yet. I’m not going to let school suffocate me anymore – next year will be stressful, so I need to try and enjoy now. This has caused a bit of a build up in homework that needs to be done, but it has given me time to do things for me.
I wouldn’t say that I’m happy at the moment, but I’m not not-happy, and I have no idea what is even going on with my emotions.
What I’m trying to say is that you should do the things that you love. Do not throw everything away and stop doing any work, but put some time aside just for you; sometimes work can wait.
April has commented that I have ‘changed’ recently. I don’t think I have changed, I think I’ve just released a part of myself that was hidden away before.